This (last?) summer I wanted to get out of Utah... more specifically, get out of my 'comfort zone.' Shake things up, get out of my rut, try living in another place. That is why I took the job in Montana. Long story short... I got more out of my comfort zone then I could have imagined.
First off, I learned that I am at least 60% germaphobe. I need my surroundings to be clean. Not 'spic and span eat off the floor' clean... but clean, uncluttered, vacuumed, wiped down, etc. Secondly, I not so much learned as truly realized the effects of alcohol and how it can totally and completely change a person! It can make an otherwise smart person do stupid things, or an otherwise nice person do extremely violent/mean things. What a crazy drug!! And it's legal, but weed isn't?!? I will never understand this theory. You give a group of people alcohol and crazy shit is going to persue... most likely leading to sexual activities or breaking things. You give a group of people weed and they'll all sit in a circle giggling. I don't get it.
But I digress.... Thirdly, I learned that I have NO IDEA what I want out of life. I know that I want to travel, I know that I want to see as many parts of the world as possible, but I've always known that, and that's it. I have also learned that as much as I wanted to escape Utah, this place will always be my home. And I will always be happy to come back here.
I used to think that if a man came to me and said "travel the world with me" I would be putty in his hands. But another thing I've realized, that's not true.
Speaking of men... I have been doing a lot of thinking --AND talking to my girlfriends-- and when I look back at the people I have dated.... NONE of them are even remotely the same type of person. In the last 7 (ish) years I have dated a:
- Politcal Navy-boy
- and a
I am a Sponge. I know this. I know many have told me this, in nice and rude ways. I tend to absorb the people around me, become like them, do the same things, sometimes end up liking the same things. I also pick up personality traits. We all do this a little, but I do it to the extreme. Let me remind you of Chuck Palahniuk's quote:
"We are all just the combined effort of everyone we've ever known."
And it's true. But like I said... I am more spongey then most. It's as bad as if the people around me are bored or depressed... suddenly I will feel the same, but more or less feel like it is my responsibility to change it. To make them feel better and have a better time. I suppose that's why I make such a great hostess? Sometimes I feel like there is almost no one in this world anymore with manners.
But again, I digress... just since I have been back in Utah, my girlfriends have helped me to realize that I truly have NO IDEA what I want. I do know now that I am definitely NOT ready to settle down yet. I am not ready to get married and have kids... and I don't even see it in my immediate future. A long time ago, I made an oath to myself to NOT get married until I am at least thirty... and I am resubmitting that oath. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. For the last almost seven years... pretty much since high school, I have jumped from relationship to relationship, without even noticing it. --I guess part of me was trying to make up for the lack of dating I did while IN high school.-- My point is... I need time to be single. From the months of February till May this year was the only time I was 100% single. I was working hard, going to the gym every day, eating well, pampering myself, and playing with my girlfriends. With the exception of the still fresh heart-ache, I was completely happy with myself. I was feeling sexy, independant, and well... awesome.
I've finally realized, everyone keeps telling me to not be like my mom, which means, "don't be too picky about the guys you date, you don't want to end up alone." and instead, it has made me do the exact opposite. Instead of being overly picky, (which I am in my head anyways) I accept things in guys that actually really drive me crazy. I find myself feeling bothered by something, but then say, "now I don't want to end up alone, so I'll just look past it."
This is NOT the right thing to do!!! There needs to be a middle ground. I have to find someone who I love no matter what their flaws are, someone I love unconditionally no matter what. Honestly, there's only been two times I thought I felt that... but when I look back... it just doesn't look the same. I'm realizing I'm not in my right state of mind when I start dating someone. Another thing that I need to work on.
When a person gets out of relationship, it is usually hard to adjust to being alone again. When in a relationship you become a 'we' instead of an 'I'. However, I feel I have too long allowed myself to be a "we"... and I need to take this opportunity to be ME. Have you ever seen "Runaway Bride"? Well there's a part in it where Julia Roberts' character realizes that she has no idea who she is.. that she just conforms to the guys that she dates, which is continuous. There's a crucial scene where she realizes she has no idea how she likes her eggs prepared, because she would just eat them however her boyfriend would. Well I feel like that. Not to that extreme, but pretty close. It just seems so odd that I went from dating a hiking/biking/vegetarian to a gun- shooting/truck driving/carnivore. Clearly, I don't know what I want. (which is obviously the running theme here.)
It is time for me to be me. Time for me to find MY voice again. Have MY OWN opinions. Be MYSELF, by MYSELF. AND most importantly of all, rekindle my relationship with my girlfriends. I love you guys... er I mean, GIRLS.
Figuring it out
P.S. This blog was not meant to offend anyone...(more specifically, ex-boyfriends) If it has, I am truly sorry. As all my blogs, this is just a collection of thoughts I have been having lately. Every single person I have dated, I loved at the time and still love do have love for them. I learned much from each one of you and I am truly happy that I had the priviledge to date every one of you. You all will hold a very dear place in my heart, and I hope that you can see where I'm coming from, and not be offended in any way by my thoughts/decisions.