Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Fittier. Happier. More Productive.

I just need to boast.
Today I had my same old routine, I woke up, went back to sleep, woke up again, and sleepily scribbled down my morning journals. --which was fun today; trying to reenact my dream on paper. I had another dream about ghosts trying to get me. They never hurt me, they are just always reaching out for me, and always being very creepy about it, which always results in scaring me. Course I can never run from them, my legs are always heavy and limp as if I'm struggling to get through quicksand. There's always someone, usually a friend, urging me to keep going into the haunted place where the ghosts are. In my dream last night, as I was worthlessly trying to run from the haunted building, I fell. I looked next to me and my alarm was sitting there buzzing at me. I tried to grab for it to throw it at the ghost (even though we all know how ridiculous that is, since it would go right through him), but I just couldn't reach it. The buzzing got louder and louder and more obnoxious, until.............
I woke up. My alarm was of course, buzzing loudly beside me. I chuckled to myself. --

Then work went by swimmingly, they let me take a longer lunch to go grocery shopping for myself, to which I was extremely grateful. (If you know me well you know it is VERY hard for me to make it to the grocery store. -Those freaking florescent lights! And all those people! It drives me crazy!- Other than that, work was actually a lot of fun today. Everyone seemed to be in a chipper mood, which is always good. My manager has also read the Twilight series so we spent a nice chunk of time discussing how the book is SOOOO much better than the movie, and how the casting director and wardrobe people should be FIRED. I even had to run to the bank after hours, keeping me at work later than usual. But that was fine too. The bank teller flirted with me, which is always a nice confidence boost. Especially looking how I do when I got to work. Woof.
After work, I mentally argued myself out of ditching the gym. They say after 14 days of doing something it becomes a habit. Well that is b*llsh*t. Some days I'm excited to go... but most days it's a struggle to not succumb to the cozy fluff of my couch and the amazing mental ride of my book. However, I went. While there, I became so focused on repeating my weight lifting routine accurately, that I lost track of time and ended up staying for almost two hours. Oops. What a healthy mistake. ;) I was supposed to go to some free gymnastics thing at eight, but didn't leave the gym in time. Oh well, guess I'll just have to plan that for next week.

But now for the boasting! I've been thinking, (a wonderful past-time that is like second nature to breathing for me) I think a LOT at the gym... and you know what I've realized?! I feel lighter. (mentally) I didn't realize how heavy this "negativity cloud" was. The one I didn't even really notice that has been surrounding me for the past, oh, year or so. I knew that I was in a constant battle of whether or not I was doing the right things, (with the right person), heading in the right direction, etc. I had SO MUCH negativity pushing itself upon me, getting heavier and heavier every day. Strangling me until the air became thick and dense and hard to breathe. (this is all metaphorical, of course)

Well as I said I've been feeling lighter. I realize every day I get happier, more positive, and more excited for the future. All the plans are in the works, which may or may not be funner than the idea of not having the plans and not knowing what's going to happen. All I know is that in just a couple months, I will out of this memory tainted apartment, and soon enough, out of this memory tainted city. Not that I don't love this city. I do. I'm just over it. It was a part of my life that I just don't feel connected to anymore. It's time for something new. Something fresh. And that is exactly what I will be giving myself.
I also couldn't be happier that my Mom is getting involved. What with everything she's had to go through in the last year, she has also taken a negative turn from her otherwise usual sunny disposition. I also didn't realize how much weight I was adding to her already growing problems. I always tried to put on a front for her, but she could always detect the sadness behind my lies. The worst was when she would call me and I couldn't hold back the tears. Ugh.

Well I don't cry anymore. I have nothing to cry about. However, I am saddened by how many many countless tears I wasted on that one person. That one person who is SOOO not even worth more than one crying fit. It makes me smile to realize that that part of my life is over. I'm stronger. --mentally and physically-- I will never let myself get caught up in such a painful and exhausting situation. My heart shrunk with pain... and now it's grown two sizes larger. Just like the Grinch. :)

I've also stopped clinging to people as much. I know I will always stay in touch with my closest friends, and if I can help it we will still get together every now and then. But there is no reason to attach yourself so fully to another human being. I mean it's true that:
"We face all of life's toughest decisions by ourselves."
I realize now that people come and go out of your life. As my dear friend Leslie once put it:
"There are people you meet for a reason,
people you meet for a season,
and people you meet for life."
I know there will be people I will stay in contact with for a long time. There are also people I'm very glad I have pushed out of my life. It's always been really hard for me to let go of people. Hell, I'm still friends with all of my ex boyfriends. (Well all except one.)

But anyways, as I said, I feel lighter. It actually feels like I'm floating. I love it. It's like I'm walking on clouds. An extra dance in my step.
"I wake up every morning, with a big smile on my face, and it never feels out of place."

The future is open to possibilities. It's bright. It's sunny. And I can not wait for the adventure that lies ahead. :D

"We'll all float on,
Alright, already we'll all float on,
Okay don't worry, we'll all float on alright,
already we'll all float on, alright,
dont' worry even if things end up a bit too heavy,
we'll all float on, alright,
we'll all float on."

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