Tuesday, April 14, 2009

*Story of a healing heart*

(this is an excerpt from my journal, I felt like I should share it on here too)

It's true what they say, about time healing all wounds...
I've always known it. But I also know how difficult it can be to believe that concept when you are caught up in the moment of pain or sadness. I assure you though, enough time will heal anything. [Even if you were to carry a grudge to the grave with you,
it is only because this human life did not give you enough allotted time to fully heal.]

I promise, If you were to live for hundreds and hundreds of years, without question, you would inevitably reach that point in time where this grudge (or whatever it may be) would be nothing but a distant memory to you. I've been re-learning how true that statement is. Inching closer and closer to being healed everyday. Everyday my heartbreak was/is something further in the past, less tangible, and way less painful. In fact, I'm pretty much over it these days. That doesn't mean that the pain didn't leave a permanent scar on my heart, but simply that my heart is now fully ready to move on. [I refused to get into any type of relationship with anyone until I was a fully healed, completely happy person.] I believe I will always carry a scar from this pain, and quite frankly, I KNOW I will always remember this person as the person who completely shattered my heart for the very first time. (I would never be conceded enough to say that it is the last time.) I am, however, very glad that I went through this. Yes, though it was miserable and treachorous, there are always lessons to be learned through pain.
I have learned so much.

It gave me such a better perspective of who I am, how other people can be, and how I need to alter myself to so that this doesn't happen to me again. At least not in the same fashion.
Growing up, I never imagined that I would be that girl. I've always been aware of the fact that I have an extra sensitive heart, and I know that I can be downright naive sometimes, but I never thought I could allow myself to go through so much mental abuse.
I never, EVER thought I'd be the girl that allowed myself to be
lied to, cheated on, and downright used.
That is what has broken my heart the most. That I would allow myself to go through all of that, even though I know I deserve much better. My friends all tried to help me, but I realize now, just as they realized then, that there is a point that you have to reach for yourself, before you can actually see what is happening to you. We all get so caught up in our own lives, so caught up in the moment, that it can be difficult to always see the bigger picture. (or even the REAL picture)
If I were in my friends shoes, I would have stopped hanging out with me too. Who wants to watch their good friend constantly going through torture that they are --pretty much-- putting themselves through?
(ALWAYS listen to your friends opinions, even if they don't seem right, at least hear them out and consider the possibilities that they could be right, and you could be wrong.)

It's so hard to swallow the knowledge that you have just let yourself believe all of these words.... these words that touched your heart... words that touched your soul... words that made your heart smile.... all these WORDS... that only meant something to you. While the person saying them didn't give it a second thought. Hell, probably didn't even remember what they had said two minutes after saying it, while you're still floating on cloud 9 thinking how lucky you are to have someone say that to you.

"I didn't know that the words you said to me,
meant more to me then they ever could you."
~Modest Mouse~

It's such a sickening thing. I will never understand how some people can just simply and honestly NOT CARE how they affect others. People who almost literally have no heart.
I wanted to believe this person had a heart. I wanted to believe that certain things he told me were the truth, not just another fabrication; another part of his diabolical manipulation plan. He knew all the right things to keep me hooked, like a drug dealer that takes the good stuff and cuts it with crap, then slowly stops cutting it until you get to the actual good stuff, and at that point, your hooked. There's no turning back.
He knew just how to take the truth and twist it around to the point where I would feel like the fool for questioning his motives. Well it was all one big fat lie after another. He had just the perfect way of pulling me closer and closer, and just when I got close enough,
he would slap me away. (metephorically, of course)

What hurts the worst, is that all I had for this person was love.
All I wanted to do was love him with everything I had to give, and get the same back in return. Always too much love to give, and not enough deserving places to put it.

When it comes down to it, it's all about trusting yourself. Don't let yourself get so caught up in the moment, or the initial emotions that you might have towards a person. Stay true to yourself and don't let anyone else change anything about you. If you're gut tells you something isn't right, then it probably isn't. If you have to question someone's motives, even for a second,
stop yourself and think about why you are even having to question them in the first place.

**Pause for a ranting moment**
Is it REALLY that hard to honest these days?!?! Really?!?!?
Must people always have their cake and eat it too?!?
(I've never understood that phrase...why would you want cake if you can't eat it?!?)
I would rather him have just said, "yes I like you, but I don't love you, and in the duration of our relationship, I will also be sleeping with her (and maybe her, and her), I will rarely tell you the truth about where I am, what I am doing, and who I am with, okay? So just deal with it."
Which of course I wouldn't have put up with, but it would be nice to have the option to base my feelings on some truth.

For the longest time I held on to the idea that I deserved an apology.
[And not even an apology for him coming into my apartment while I wasn't home and going through my computer, facebook, myspace, etc.
EVEN though, that is 100% fully deserving of an apology.]

No, I just wanted him to say he was sorry for how much he hurt me.
More or less, for him to even acknowledge it.
BUUUUT after all this time I've realized an apology won't change anything. It won't make anything better. And you know what, I wouldn't even believe that it was true or sincere anyways.

But I digress.... I wasn't going to make this blog public, but I decided in the end to do so, because if even one person reads this blog and gets out of their shitty situation (or "relationshit" as I like to call it now) then that makes all my pain worth it. If my story can help just one other person. (two or three would of course be better :P )
On that note, if anyone is reading this (anyone at all?) and has any questions about the situation I went through, or is seeking advice (not that I'm a professional by any means),
it would bring me much joy to try and help you out.

I will end with a favorite cheers of mine, perfect to recite with your girlfriends:

"Here's to the men that we love,
and here's to the men that love us.
But the men that we love,
will never love us,
so F**K all the men,
and here's to US!!!"

~To being over it~

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